When it’s like this, all I want is to silence the noise in my head. It’s like sitting in a stadium, during the pre-kick off activities, only I can’t hear the music, all I hear is the dull roar of the crowd around me and I know that the roar will soon become a symphony of yelling, angry yelling. All I want is for the noise in my head to quiet down, but the anxiety makes it so hard.
Suspicion is in everything I look at, even what is usually beautiful to me has such a dark aura to it when I’m in my anxiety. I cannot see the truth, I can only see the lies that I so quickly fall back into. I don’t want to be touched, I don’t want to spoken to, I don’t want to be loved. I just want to be left alone which in turn makes my depression even worse.
I hate the rage. It consumes me and convinces me that all of the dark, depressing suspicions I have are true. The rage eggs on my anxiety, or maybe it’s the other way around. Either way, they feed off of each other. They keep each other alive, not allowing me many quiet moments in between. It’s hard to live this way.
The noise in my head keeps me awake at night, the thoughts tumbling around each other, producing faster than I can comprehend them. I catch fragments of one, pieces of another, and I end up stringing them together in a distorted truth that breaks my heart. These false truths tear my heart open and make it bleed every time and the pain is unbearable. I try so hard to remember the techniques my counselor tries to tell me but I cannot. Breathing- in for three, out for five. Grounding- five things each of my senses can comprehend. Cognitive worksheets- a way to discount the lies. All of it works for awhile, but only awhile.
For the most part I am a happy person, even though it doesn’t seem like it here. I am hopeful for the future, one without this mental and emotional burden, even though I am fairly certain that will never happen. I still try to hope for that day, a chance for a normal life, normal thoughts and feelings, a normal love. I hope I get this one day, I’m always afraid I won’t.
These things that go through my mind day in and day out exhaust me. They weigh me down, they burden me. I want to feel freedom, freedom in all senses. I just want the chance to be happy, truly happy. I just want to feel the silence.