Yesterday was hard. I’ve been having Fridays off from work due to cuts at work, which is a financial burden. There’s not much that I can do about it, nothing I can do about it honestly. My Mister has Fridays off as well so for the past couple of weeks we’ve been spending time together while the kids were at school, which has been nice. The days we have alone together are few and far in between.
Sometimes we go out and eat lunch together. Sometimes we run errands together on our Fridays and then come back home and veg on the couch, watching Ghost Hunters or whatever else is on. There aren’t many days that we actually get the television to ourselves. Our son has a t.v. in his room, but the girls broke theirs some time back and so the t.v. in the living room is usually turned to cartoons. The Mister and I end up absorbing ourselves in our cellphones, playing games and watching videos and movies. Our Fridays have been different. We spend time together and it’s been nice.
Money is suddenly tight. My hours being cut at work are starting to catch up with our finances and the Mister is stressed which in turn stresses me. He worries a lot about finances. We make enough, but just barely. On top of this, the kids are out of school now and this adds daycare to the finances. Daycare isn’t cheap.
Yesterday I was going to keep the girls home from daycare, seeing how I had the whole day off, but Thursday night they had been fighting with each other relentlessly and it wore on my anxiety. I ended up taking them to daycare for a few hours while the Mister and I ran some errands. I thought it would help relax me, but instead I ended up having a breakdown, crying on and off. It didn’t get much better throughout the day.
Once I picked the Girls up they began the bickering almost instantly. All I wanted to do was lay in bed and watch a movie on my phone but I was up and down constantly, playing referee. It wore on my nerves and I ended up crying some more.
The Girls listen better to the Mister. I hear there’s something about a man’s voice. I should mention that the Mister is not the children’s biological father. Their biological father is in prison and will hopefully stay there for some time. He was a horrible person and the cause of my anxiety, depression, and PTSD. The Mister has been an amazing father to the kids for the past six years. He took us all in with open arms and has worked so hard to help us get to a place that we feel safe and loved in.
Yesterday it didn’t feel like I was in this place though. The Girl’s fighting was emotionally and mentally exhausting. I kept thinking that the Mister would be tired of us, that he would be tired of all of the fighting. Tired of the financial troubles. Tired of my anxiety and depression. I know raising kids can sometimes feel like you’re talking to brick walls. Some days you feel like you aren’t getting anywhere. Most days you feel like you aren’t getting anywhere. I worry that because the kids aren’t his biological children that it makes this even harder.
Naturally, being the wonderful man that the Mister is, he always reassures me that he knew what he was getting into when we got into a relationship together. He tells me this is the life he wants, but sometimes I still just worry. I’ve voiced my opinions to him in the past, I had a nervous breakdown over it that he helped me through. He’s still here. It’s still hard on me though.
When I’m in my anxiety the thoughts of who-would-want-a-34-year-old,-single -mother-of-three,- two-of-whom-are- screaming-at-each-other-98%-of-the-time, -sufferer-of-anxiety-which-snowballs-into- depression,-can’t-even-function-without -medication-type-woman consume me. I start to pick out all of the bad I see in myself and tell myself that the Mister must see these things as well. It hearts my heart to think he might see me in the same light that I see myself in. I try to reassure myself by telling myself that just because I see myself this way doesn’t mean that he does too. It isn’t fair to assume my own judgments of myself are true for him as well. My therapist tells me this is called “mind reading.” But sometimes it’s just hard to believe that anything other than these negative things can be true.
The anxiety of all the What If’s eventually snowball into the depression of This Is the Truth and then I end up the angry, hurt, blubbering mess I was yesterday. It’s hard. On top of all of the financial stuff the Mister has to stress over, plus some work situations happening, now he has to deal with my mental illness. I know he loves me and wouldn’t have me any other way, but the anxiety and depression try to tell me otherwise.
It’s a constant battle inside of me. The medication helps a great deal but some days, the depression and the anxiety are overwhelming regardless. Yesterday was one of these days and now I’ll spend the next few weeks trying to get back to the peaceful point that I was at before the episode. It’s a neverending battle. A fight I didn’t ask for and in times like these, one I feel as though I am fighting alone. It is my burden to carry and it isn’t fair to burden others with it. Not even those that I love and that I know love me.